i'm an indecisive piece of shit.
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really considering stopping drinking. i hate not knowing or having any control over how it’s going to affect me :/

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picked the skin off my burn,
why can’t i just leave things alone?

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what will happen if i go to the doctors about hallucinations?

i’ve experienced visual and auditory hallucinations after alcohol, sober, and in a state of sleep paralysis. 

sometimes, after drinking alcohol (not enough to cause memory loss or even be ‘drunk’) i’ve become erratic & agressive, talking of other people being in the room, shouting for my boyfriend to make them go away, crying, telling him to leave me, not to touch me, saying that there’s cameras.. that kind of thing. 
but the things is, i don’t remember any of this. i can’t for the life of me remember, it’s the same kind of thing each time it happens & afterwards i just fall asleep & don’t know anything’s happened until my boyfriend tells me. even then, i have no recollection at all. not the faintest.

would they refer me to a psychiatrist? i saw a psychiatrist for a while before (self harm, depression, social anxiety, insomnia, sleep paralysis, general anxiety..) but stopped about six months ago after a bad appointment :/

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looks like i remade my weightloss/thinspo blog wahey.


i only have 3 followers lol, come say hi :)

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got home last night :)

got a beaut tan but gained shit loads of weight & weigh the most i can remember being.. gonna try lose a stone in the next nine weeks.

will probably make a new weightloss blog later.

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idk if anyone reads this blog anymore but,

i’m going on holiday tomorrow for a fortnight :)

worried about
looking like a whale in a bikini, putting on shit loads of weight, getting sleep paralysis, family seeing my scars & what they might say :/ & missing people.

looking forward to
sea, sand, swimming, sun, getting a tan, lots of alcohol, delicious food & reading loads.

shit i have to do when i’m home
continue applying for jobs, apply for job seekers, start exercising regularly, eating less & better, sort out a bank account, make appointments with the doctors hospital about mental health, sleep paralysis & insomnia. yay.

see you all in two weeks xx

40,409 notes posted this photo on my old blog, that i deleted about six months ago..had no idea til earlier that it was still floating round but yep, it’s me. changing the source. 

posted this photo on my old blog, that i deleted about six months ago..
had no idea til earlier that it was still floating round but yep, it’s me.
changing the source. 

(via justan0ther--sexblog)

2,450 notes wish dickheads would stop changing the source.why would anyone want to claim this as being their own? 

wish dickheads would stop changing the source.
why would anyone want to claim this as being their own? 

(via just-another-suicidal-teenager-)

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finished my exams :)

had my last exam today, which was business studies. i don’t know how it went really. i mean, i think i did pretty well on section A but we didn’t really cover section B much in class it was all just concentrated on section A, so B was pretty weak examples wise & like a page & a half shorter than my essay for section A.. meh, i’ll just have to wait & see.

so now college is done, exams are done, not going to uni, don’t have a job.. literally doing nothing with my life now. nothing at all. hm.

someone give me a fucking job, i’m so poor.

oh & i have tonsillitis yay.

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cosplayinggalaga: hey, I know you don't know me but I wanted to let you know that if you ever need someone to talk to (or now even) I'm here for you.

this is lovely, thanks xx

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homelycunt: your pretty adorable. just saying.

i’m really not, but thankyou :) x

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adddict: youre beautiful & you deserve to be here as much as anyone else. please always remember that.

thanks xx

2,450 notes old photo.i want to do this again. right now. 

old photo.
i want to do this again. right now. 

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i fucking hate my body.
i want to cut so much right now, to make deep ugly cuts because really my body can’t get any fucking worse.

i’m trying to lose weight but it’s so fucking hard, i have no self control. i go up & down a few pounds but constantly remain around the same huge number & i hate it so much. i hate seeing all the fat on my thighs, bum & belly.. even my arms. i’m so disgusting. loads of other people manage to lose weight successfully, to exercise, to have self control so why do i find it so difficult? ugh.

for the next four days i’m not eating unless i have to due to family making me/ going to a friends house. then i’ll do the two week diet/exercise plan i made & that will have to be enough for now because that’s when i go on holiday.

the thought of showing my body in a bikini is terrifying. i hate it completely. the fat, the scars, the stretch marks. it’s all so ugly & disgusting.

i hate not being able to take all this out on myself with a razorblade :/ fucking hell. 

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it makes me so angry that people think they have the right to pass judgement on such personal aspects of others’ lives.

you. don’t. know. me. 
you certainly don’t know enough about my mental health to be voicing your opinion on things you don’t understand. 'destroy the lives of the people they're with, that they wear them down until they're broken' ugh.
i shouldn’t have asked because now i just feel like shit, upset & angry. partly because it’s not her place to say those things, partly because i’m worried she’s right.

laura said i’ve only brought good things to her life. aw.